What I Didn't Get for Christmas

I really want a Kitchenaid stand mixer. I've wanted one for awhile. It's on the short list of things I didn't get for my wedding. (Never fear, the mandoline shortage has been remedied by a Christmas gift from my fabulous sister. It pays to blog right before Christmas about kitchen implements you don't have!) I've finally made a deal with myself that I'll sell my old snowboarding equipment and use the money to mostly pay for a stand mixer.

Seriously, why do I still have snowboarding equipment? I live in TEXAS. I'm pretty sure because I had deluded myself into thinking that made me still "cool." I don't know who I think I'm kidding. I'm not that person anymore. I am officially a total lame-o. I have two kids. I'm almost thirty. I think a wild night is staying up past midnight to play Boggle. I don't even watch TV anymore. I spend my spare time blogging about my boring suburban life. The snowboard wasn't fooling anyone.

Note to self: Next time sell the snow specific sporting goods BEFORE you move away from Utah.

After much feet dragging, I came up with a plan. I succeeded in transporting my equipment to my parents' house over the summer. At least they have Taho about four hours away. Then I listed the equipment on Craigslist there.

The snowboard sold about two months ago. Don't tell anyone, but when I got the news, I actually cried. Apparently I have issues. I'm still waiting on the boots though. I keep relisting them. Every. Seven. Days. Stupid short listing time for Craigslist in the SF Bay Area.... grumble, grumble.

And so I'm stuck in stand mixer limbo. I have most of the money since the board was worth a lot more than the boots. But technically not all of it. I've been watching the price for the mixer model I want, and it's even on sale right now. But alas, the boots continue not to sell.

And then it happened.

I must confess, I'm pretty bad. I abuse hand mixers. I've always known this about myself, so when we registered for our wedding, I asked for a hand mixer with a little more umph. I guess it was worth it because that mixer lasted over six years. It lasted until I was rushing to make food on Christmas Eve to be exact. Long ago I had pushed the slowest speed beyond it's limits so that you had to turn it up to the second highest speed for it to even turn on, but other than that it had kept plugging along. Apparently asking the poor thing to mix two and a half pounds of inadequately softened cream cheese (cheesecake with ganache and strawberry sauce anyone?) was just too much to ask. I heard it moan and complain, but it's lazy and always does that to try and get out of work. I wrote the book on that get-out-work technique. But I guess this time it had really had enough and it stopped.

I still thought there might be hope, but then I saw it. Smoke. Every good engineer knows that there is magic smoke inside all electronics that makes them work, and if you let the smoke out, it's over. I let the smoke out. All hope was lost.

So I called upstairs to M and said, "So should I go to Costco and pick up the Kitchenaid, or will you?"

Ha ha. Nice try. In the end, we decided that Target was much closer and I shouldn't buy the stand mixer on a "whim" when I had said I would wait for the snowboard boots to sell and in the future I might want a hand mixer in addition to a stand mixer anyway. So M hurried off to buy another hand mixer at Target while I gave the cream cheese an actual chance to soften or something. Because things you've been wanting to buy for years and have actual plans to purchase in the near future are just too much of an "impulse purchase" for frumpy old people like us who heartlessly sell the last link to our adventurous youth.

At least my new hand mixer is even more powerful than my last one. Maybe this one will survive for ten years, or maybe even until my snowboard boots sell!

Anybody looking to buy some really nice strap in snowboard boots in a women's size 10???

All I Ever Need to Know About Raising Kids I Learned From...

Jurassic Park

I suppose you'd like me to explain?

You sit down to watch Jurassic Park for the first time. What do you think you're going to be afraid of?

Tyrannosaurus Rex, right?

You finish watching the movie. What do you actually have nightmares about?

Velociraptors.

T-Rex is gross and big and scary, but in the end he's easy to outsmart. But those raptors have got the brains...

Let's just say I have myself a little Scott-osaurus Rex. At first glance, I'm sure most people think Scott is something fearsome. He's big for his age. He's loud. Really, really loud. He's a big slobbery mess. He knocks things over. He can be scary in his own right. (It's like he's a two year old little boy, or something.) But in the end, you can usually outsmart him (as long as it's not about getting him to eat what's been served for dinner...)

Meanwhile, Claire comes across on the surface as quiet, polite, and agreeable. Don't be fooled. Just call her the Ve-Claire-oraptor. Trust me, I know the truth. Don't fear the rambunctious child. Fear the calculating child. (I've only blogged about a small taste of the full wrath. I try not to blog about the nitty gritty of all that is Claire because it's almost like I love her or something and don't want to bag on her in public too much.)

In my parenting nightmares, the Scott-Rex goes out and smashes jeeps but the Claire-tor is outside my door with her menacing face pressed against the glass, fogging it up with her vicious snorts. The Scott-Rex will get distracted by something moving on the other side of the room, but the Claire-tor methodically checks fences for weaknesses, baits you with a decoy, and opens doorknobs.