Friday, August 2, 2013

Excuse Me, I Need to Go Drop Off Some U.N. Peacekeepers

We've been redoing some things in our master bathroom and we suspected our toilet of leaking. Once we took a good look at it, we realized it was probably fine. But the best it could be was fine, not great. Even in perfect working order the toilet would never be great. The distrust had planted a seed.  It got us thinking about how we didn't really like our original toilet. We had already pulled it out.  Maybe we should go ahead and replace it?

When we first started thinking we might need a new toilet, I mentioned it to my sister. She immediately told me that she had bought and loved the one my dad had recommended. The American Standard Champion. The one that flushes a bucketful of golf balls:

Now when people in my family recommend a toilet, I sit up and take notice. I come from a line of people who are infamous for clogging toilets.

You know what? We're already talking about clogging toilets. If you're still reading this, then I'm going to assume you're not too squeamish. And we all know I have no shame, so I'm going to tell you a little story to demonstrate why a toilet that doesn't clog is important to me.

Look, my body doesn't like "doing business" away from home. Without any conscious effort by me, it tries to wait until I get home. So any time I travel, it takes a couple days before my bowels accept defeat.

Once upon a time, I was newly engaged to M and flew to visit his family for a long weekend. The first full day I was there, M and I spent the whole day walking around doing touristy things in the summer heat. And I didn't really drink enough. The next day M had to go into work.  I was at his parents' house alone with my future mother-in-law. And my body decided that it was finally ready to "let go." And I could tell I had definitely gotten dehydrated the day before.

There is nothing that quite rivals asking your future mother-in-law that you barely know yet if she has a toilet plunger you can use because you've plugged their toilet. Their ONLY toilet.

So yah, some toilets and I just don't get along very well. Our old one had left something to be desired. I really wanted one I could count on.

Well, we had our eye on that Champion, but we still weren't sure.  Then a couple days later, I mentioned in passing to someone else that we were thinking about replacing our toilet, and they immediately told me they liked the one that "flushes the golf balls."

It was a sign. I mean, it's not often that people go out of their way to recommend ANY product, but when I get the same product recommended two separate times? And when that product is a toilet? It must be good.

So we took the plunge (pun intended) and bought the Champion. And we love it! We have affectionately dubbed it the U.N.

Why you ask? When M and I talk about toilets we often reference Dave Barry and the importance of a toilet's ability to handle "acts of Congress."  Well, we quickly decided that this toilet could not only handle "acts of Congress," it can handle "U.N. resolutions."

The next step was to get rid of our old toilet. We posted it for free on Craigslist and a couple of days later, I got this response:

Hi, I would like to pick this up for an underwater park for Scuba divers on Lake Travis. (No, I am NOT making this up). My friend owns Windy Point Park and sets up underwater "finds" for scuba divers. The toilet he installed underwater is high and dry, and some kids destroyed it with rocks. The divers take underwater pictures sitting on the throne in their wetsuits.

I don't know if I've ever been happier to give something away for free. This entertaining fate for our old toilet was the icing on the cake. Everything turned out so well and now I take every opportunity to announce to M that I need to "send a delegation to the U.N."

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