Our Torture Methods

We tried to coerce Claire into reading a new series this summer. I mean, I was tired of just looking at the same "Magic Treehouse" covers over and over again. I don't know how she could stand another second of actually reading about Jack and Annie AGAIN. For those of you familiar with this series, I have some suggestions for future additions to the "Magic Treehouse" books:

Vacant Looks at the Vernal Equinox
Waxing Legs at the Waning Gibbous
Alliterative Altercation Ante Meridiem
Bosons and Bozos at the Big Bang
Really Redundant Repetitive Reading at Recess Redux

Thankfully my friend Janssen just spent a year being a school librarian and she gave us some great ideas.

First Claire tried a couple "A to Z Mysteries." But they got off to a rocky start. The first one she read was called "The Jaguar's Jewel." Ummm... please tell me there are other parents out there who wouldn't be able to resist calling it "The Jaguar's Jewels" and snickering a little every time they said it? No? Well then, good. Because M and I would certainly never do that... We'd just sympathize with the one-jeweled jaguar. Poor guy...

So then we thought we'd get Claire to try the "Time Warp Trio" books. In order to "encourage" Claire, M gave her an assignment. Claire's answers included below:


Claire's Summer Book Reports
Assignment #1 - Time Travel Books

Write a book report that answers the following questions. Write at least one or two sentences about each question. Use specific examples from the book(s). Report may be handwritten or typed.

1. How are the Magic Tree House and Time Warp Trio books alike?

Both books have people who travel in time using books. Both sets of books have the same characters in each book.

2. How are the Magic Tree House and Time Warp Trio books different?

One series has missions and the other just travels wherever because they don't know how to work the book. One has all boys and one has a boy and a girl. One has two people and the other has three.

3. Which series do you like better? Why?

Magic Treehouse because... I don't know.


There you have it then. She can properly use ellipses but still prefers Magic Treehouse books. It boggles the mind.

A Shirt By Any Other Name...

If the Twilight series and I had a Facebook relationship, it'd be listed as, "It's complicated."

I have studiously avoided bringing this series up here on the blog for two reasons. One is that I dread the heated debates that so often accompany the topic of these books. I have a lot of poor misguided friends. And I'm not going to say which ones on which side of the debate I mean ;) The other reason is that any time I talk about my thoughts on the books, I come across sounding like a deranged hypocrite.

But there is one aspect of the books that I think we can all safely agree on.

Stephanie Meyer apparently has a thing for "blouses." In honor of Groundhog Day, let me ask, "Am I right or am I right or am I right?" As I read the Twilight series, poor Bella was encountering blouses left and right. Observing other people's blouses, choosing blouses, wearing blouses, packing blouses. Lots and lots of blouses. Not tops, not shirts, not polos. Blouses. Am I the only one that was annoyed by this?

Now maybe I'm way off base here, but I get the feeling that teenage girls in this day and age DO NOT WEAR "BLOUSES." Blouses make me think of middle-aged women working office jobs. Silk things with built in scarves and a tacky holiday bauble pinned to the front. I would probably die before I would actually describe ANYTHING in my wardrobe as a "blouse." I suppose you could contend that this was merely the word Stephanie Meyer chose to differentiate between say a regular top and a button-up one. Except based on the description of Bella's character, I don't exactly see her in a lot of starched button-downs.

My proof lies in online shopping. Browsing online retailers, it's pretty hard to find one that advertises a "blouses" category. I think you'd even be hard pressed to find an individual item described as a "blouse." Maybe the online retailers Stephanie frequents use that signifier a lot, but if they do, I'm guessing I don't shop there for a good reason. I get the feeling that the term "blouse" is not very, shall we say, "fashion forward."

Is this sort of like a regional language difference, or is Stephanie actually concealing from us the secret fact that Bella is really a middle-aged woman? Or maybe so backward that she buys all her clothes from the lamest thrift store known to man?

So who cares if teenage girls are reading about a girl whose blood-drinking boyfriend sleeps in her bed? Or if teenage girls are being taught to have no self-control and to rely on their boyfriends, of all people, to maintain boundaries? Or if teenage girls are reading about a total disregard for birth control in a potentially life-threatening situation? Or if they're reading about people being dismembered and burned? These are petty compared to the real problem here. A veritable plague on our society. The over-abundance of blouses.

Do YOU own any "blouses"?

Books Review: Harry Potter (I-VII)

Warning: Here There Be Spoilers!


So I managed to get myself to avoid reading the last Harry Potter book until about a month ago. That was important because, like G, I get a little obsessive about books I'm reading. Since I couldn't afford to blow a week perpetually distracted from work because I wasn't reading at that exact moment, I decided to hold off until the hype settled down. I also told myself I would read no more than one chapter a day. That worked. Sorta. A little. OK, I was really good except for the day I had jury duty and when I realized it was Friday night and I only had six chapters left.

Anyway I liked the series and since you missed G and I's (G tells me this is grammatically incorrect but I think it sounds right anyway, and she thinks this comment should come after the word discussions but she's not writing this post is she?) discussions of books 1-6 I'll throw those in here as well.

So lets start with the good stuff. Kids actually read these books. I figure in a day where pokemon passes as good television, as long as it isn't hate crime propaganda who cares what it is as long as kids read it. But this series goes beyond that. It really is about good and evil and it hits pretty close to home most of the time. It's about family and friends and love and hate and hits those nails right on the head.

It's well written and engaging. JK (cause we're on a first initial basis) manages (mostly) to avoid letting the Harry Potter universe become the story. The magic isn't the story, it's just there because you need it to tell the story. She also manages to make a story about a boy thrown into a magical world where there's a lunatic monster that keeps un-dying funny most of the time. The characters and places are endearing.

JK also had the guts to do what had to be done. In a story like this somebody has to die. Actually lots of people have to die. And they do. I liked most of them but you can't have a scary group of bad guys who just run around saying "Boo" a lot (like Scott does).

Of course JK forgot to consult with me on several of the books so there are some things that could have been done better. For example Books 4,5 and 7 should have been 1/2 to 2/3 the length they were. Book 6 could have lost a little weight too. I suspect she could have done better with more time. Writing very concisely takes time (which I clearly haven't put into this post).

I have to admit, I've read more fantasy that is probably healthy for me along the way and Voldemort is one creepy dude. I mean really, splitting your soul up to live forever? Besides wouldn't all your soul pieces die of old age eventually anyway? Whatever. Weird.

Also, the last book didn't really make a whole lot of sense to me. I still don't know what the deathly hallows had to do with anything. I was under the impression Harry could come back from the brink of death because his mother died for him and Voldemort used his blood to come back to life. What does the stupid invisibility cloak have to do with anything?

My biggest complaint revolves around Severus Snape. For all the time JK spent propping up the "Snape is a mean guy" straw man she just didn't spend enough time tearing it down. I was looking for him to be a good guy for at least a third of book 7. I also think he died a little too ignominiously for someone with his skill as a wizard. This guy was inventing magic while he was at school. The only other characters that did that are Dumbledore and Riddle. When Dumbledore runs afoul of Voldemort's protections on the Perevel ring who does he go to? Who's the best potions man we've ever seen? Severus. But somehow this guy dies from a snake bite to the neck? From a snake large enough it has to be a constrictor and therefore wouldn't bite people to kill them anyway? Sorry, I'm not buying it JK.

A book by book synopsis, M style:

Book 1: Harry's a wizard. He goes to a school for freaks wizards where he meets his two new best friends. They play games on brooms where people get hurt. Harry is good with a broom just like his dad. He looks like his dad but he has his mother's eyes. Voldemort is back and has a bit of a chip on his shoulder. This Dumbledore guy seems to have things pretty well under control. No one believes Harry.

Book 2: People are dying and no one knows why. Harry hears voices. Harry can talk to snakes. Harry finds a weird diary that talks back to you. It turns out there's a weird room under Hogwarts. Voldemort made the diary to control people and he's really the one killing people. No one believes Harry.

Book 3: There are weird ghosty things that make you sad and steal you soul. Harry has a godfather who betrayed his parents is an awesome guy. Ron's rat is really an old guy who was a great guy betrayed Harry's parents. You can travel through time. No one believes Harry.

Book 4: There is a weird cup that shoots fire and student names out like some kind of twisted roman candle. Harry's name comes out which means he has to do a lot of dangerous stuff. Harry can see into Voldemort's head sometimes (weird). Voldemort uses Harry to come back to life (weird). No one believes Harry.

Book 5: Some weird old lady prophesied that Harry and Voldemort would never be at peace while they were both alive. Severus Snape was responsible for Voldemort finding out about Harry. Dumbeldore says Severus felt bad when Harry's parents died (this is actually important).

Book 6: Voldemort has split his soul up and captured pieces of it in objects so he won't really die till they find and destroy them (extra creepy). Severus Snape is not a greasy haired two bit hack, he is a greasy haired ridiculously talented wizard. Severus kills Dumbledore in a way that makes it ambiguous whether that is good or not.

Book 7: Harry et al camp in the woods a lot. No really, a lot. There's a rock, a wand, and an invisibility cloak and if you have all three you are master over death or something like that. These appear to be nearly irrelevant to the actual story. Harry finds out about Severus's past, that he was in love w/ Harry's mom, and Dumbledore told Severus to kill him. Harry lets Voldemort kill him, has a nice chat with dead Dumbeldore, and for reasons still not clear to me comes back to life. Voldemort dies dueling Harry and there is much rejoicing.

Bonus Material: M's alternate ending:
Severus is devastated by the loss of Lily. He doesn't need convincing from Dumbledore to join the fight against Voldemort because he has seen the bitterness that comes from being like Voldemort. He agrees to work on the inside to bring down Voldemort knowing that Harry is the only one who can do so. In book seven he shows up, kidnaps Harry and takes him back to spinners end. Harry of course is not powerful enough to do anything about it at first. Severus begins to teach his deep defense against the dark arts knowledge to Harry. Legellimancy (You might be thinking this is misspelled. And you may be right. Why don't you go look it up... freak) and Occlumency are part of the training and eventually Harry manages to get inside Severus's head enough to see what is really going on. Harry is forced to reconcile his bad feelings towards Severus. As reluctant partners they search out and destroy the remaining horcruxes. At the pivotal confrontation Severus dies protecting Harry which gives him the protection he needs to finish Voldemort off. This is artistically paralleled to Lilly's death and accentuates the fact that Severus is finishing the job Lilly started. Man, I should be an author.