Tuesday, December 9, 2008

All I Ever Need to Know About Raising Kids I Learned From...

Jurassic Park

I suppose you'd like me to explain?

You sit down to watch Jurassic Park for the first time. What do you think you're going to be afraid of?

Tyrannosaurus Rex, right?

You finish watching the movie. What do you actually have nightmares about?


T-Rex is gross and big and scary, but in the end he's easy to outsmart. But those raptors have got the brains...

Let's just say I have myself a little Scott-osaurus Rex. At first glance, I'm sure most people think Scott is something fearsome. He's big for his age. He's loud. Really, really loud. He's a big slobbery mess. He knocks things over. He can be scary in his own right. (It's like he's a two year old little boy, or something.) But in the end, you can usually outsmart him (as long as it's not about getting him to eat what's been served for dinner...)

Meanwhile, Claire comes across on the surface as quiet, polite, and agreeable. Don't be fooled. Just call her the Ve-Claire-oraptor. Trust me, I know the truth. Don't fear the rambunctious child. Fear the calculating child. (I've only blogged about a small taste of the full wrath. I try not to blog about the nitty gritty of all that is Claire because it's almost like I love her or something and don't want to bag on her in public too much.)

In my parenting nightmares, the Scott-Rex goes out and smashes jeeps but the Claire-tor is outside my door with her menacing face pressed against the glass, fogging it up with her vicious snorts. The Scott-Rex will get distracted by something moving on the other side of the room, but the Claire-tor methodically checks fences for weaknesses, baits you with a decoy, and opens doorknobs.


Vernon Mauery said...

Time to learn some more from Jurassic Park. Install locks on doors.

And the most important, but too late, is don't play with DNA and create dinosaurs. Maybe start with something more innocuous, like maybe humans? Wait, we have already proven those to be harmful to your health. Try goldfish. Or red slime mold.

Kristi said...

Oh my gosh, that is so well said! Bravo. Seriously. I feel like our household is in a lot the same position. Seriously, couldn't have put it better myself. Love this post.!

Bart said...

At least you're as aware of the dangers as Dr. Alan Grant (played by the excellent actor, Sam Neil) was. It'd be much worse if you were John Hammond - an oblivious dreamer who tried to contain the wild.

And even worse would be Wayne Knight, but that takes the analogy to whole new levels.

Leann said...

so glad I'm not the only one that has hardly posted in December. :)